Category: Family (Page 1 of 6)

The Long Walk Through Grief

May 15, 2026 / / 0 Comments

Grief doesn’t end at the funeral.

That’s the part nobody prepares you for. There’s a day when everything breaks open – the phone call, the hospital room, the empty chair, the lowered casket. The moment it all gets real. The moment time fractures and nothing quite holds the same weight anymore.

But that isn’t the whole story. That’s just the beginning of the long walk. What comes after is quieter. And in some ways, harder.

Because after the casseroles stop coming and the texts slow down and the house gets quiet again, grief doesn’t leave. It just changes shape. It learns to walk beside you instead of standing in front of you. It becomes an uninvited houseguest who never checks out. It’s always there, always taking up space, showing up in rooms you thought were safe.

And after a while, it stops announcing itself. It’s just there.

I’ve felt it in waves over the last several years.

Three grandparents gone in eighteen months during the COVID years. One after another, like a slow unraveling of a generation that had always been there in the background of my life. You don’t realize how much space someone fills until you start trying to live without them.

And then there was my mentor. My friend. The kind of man who shaped you more than he ever knew. He was a man who could see something in you before you could see it yourself. I still remember the early morning hours when the news came. Driving to his house. Being there with the family. Finding the steady voice I had to locate somewhere inside me when everything wanted to collapse. The phone calls. The arrangements. The borrowed words at the funeral because your own don’t work anymore.

There’s a kind of grief that doesn’t let you fall apart immediately. It asks you to stand up first. To make it through. To shake hands and speak and hold things together. And only later, much later, does it let you feel what it actually cost you.

That’s the part people don’t see.

It shows up in ordinary moments. A holiday table where one chair is just empty. Not dramatically. Not in a way that draws attention. Just quietly absent. And somehow that absence becomes part of the furniture of your life.

New traditions get built around it. People adjust. Time moves forward in all the expected ways.

But grief keeps a different calendar.

It comes back at Christmas. It shows up for every birthday without an invitation. It finds you on a random Tuesday afternoon when a song hits just right and suddenly you’re somewhere else entirely.

And it isn’t only emotional. Grief is physical. It can pull the wind out of your chest like something still connected got yanked loose. It can sit in your throat like a weight you can’t swallow. It can make your body tired in ways sleep doesn’t fix. There were stretches where I wasn’t sure if my body was breaking until I realized it wasn’t. It was my heart carrying more than it was designed to carry alone.

And if I’m honest, there were moments where it wasn’t just my emotions that felt shaken.

It was my faith, too.

Not abandoned. Not gone. But unsteady. Because grief presses on the places where theology meets real life. Where “God is good” sits right next to “I miss them so much it hurts to breathe.” And those two things don’t always feel like they belong in the same sentence. Sometimes they feel like they’re in different languages.

I’ve learned not to rush past that tension. Not to tie it up quickly with the right verses and a clean conclusion. Some things don’t resolve. They just slowly, over time, become something you can hold. The doubt and the faith. The loss and the love. The absence and the presence of God in the middle of it.

They don’t cancel each other out. They just both turn out to be true at the same time.

The long walk through grief is not a straight path. It’s not stages neatly checked off. It’s more like learning to live in an altered landscape. You don’t get back to the way things were. You learn to carry what’s been changed.

Some days you walk with strength you didn’t know you had. Other days something small like a smell, a photograph you didn’t expect to see, a handwriting you recognize on an old card and you’re back at the beginning again.

Grief isn’t something you get over. It’s something you grow around. And slowly, you begin to understand that love and loss aren’t opposites. They’re deeply connected. You only grieve what shaped you.

So I’ve stopped expecting it to disappear. I’m learning to walk with it instead. To let it speak when it needs to. To not rush past it just because the world has moved on.

Because the world always moves on.

Grief doesn’t. It just walks with you. It’s quiet, persistent, and somehow, over time, part of the way you see everything else.

Not smaller.

Just carried differently.

What Twenty-Six Years Taught Me About Fighting

May 9, 2026 / / 0 Comments

I don’t always fight fair.

I wish I could say I do. I wish I could say I’m the calm one, the steady one, the one who slows everything down when emotions rise. But one of the hardest things I’ve had to admit over twenty-six years of marriage is that I can turn a disagreement into a contest. And worse, I can convince myself that being right is the same thing as being loving.

It isn’t.

There are things you only learn by staying. Not by winning arguments. Not by reading books. Not even by going to counseling, though that’s worth doing. You learn some things by sitting in the aftermath of a fight that went too far. The moment when the house gets quiet in that way that isn’t peaceful. It’s just heavy.

Twenty-six years of marriage will do that to you.

In the early years, I thought conflict was something to get through quickly. Solve it. Fix it. Move on. But marriage doesn’t work like that. You don’t solve people. You learn them. You carry them. You sometimes sit in the tension longer than you want to, because the alternative of walking away emotionally, checking out and calling it peace when it’s really just surrender – that is far worse.

Here’s what I didn’t know at year five that I wish I did. Conflict doesn’t usually break marriages in one dramatic moment. It erodes them in repeated patterns. Same argument. Different day. Same tone. Same wounds touched in slightly different ways.

What changes over time isn’t that you stop fighting. It’s that you start recognizing what kind of fighter you are.

I had to learn that I was the kind who escalated to win. I could press until I landed the final word. Until I had “clarified” my point in a way that left no room for disagreement. I’ve stood close enough to the edge of something serious in my own heart to know how real that drift is. The sharp words. The silence that stretches longer than it should. The temptation to mentally check out.

Marriage doesn’t survive people who need to win all the time. It survives people who learn to lay their weapons down mid-fight and say, “This matters more than my version of being right.”

That’s not natural for me. That’s learned. Sometimes the hard way. Sometimes after the words are already out and there’s no taking them back.

There’s a strange moment that comes after a long marriage argument where you’re sitting in the same room, both of you aware that something just shifted. Not always broken. But bent. And you have a choice: double down or soften.

I used to double down. Sometimes still do.

Now, not perfectly, but more than I used to, I try to soften. Not because I’m less convinced I’m right in the moment, but because I’m more convinced that being right isn’t the point.

Staying is the point.

And here’s what staying actually looks like, in my experience: it’s rarely dramatic. It’s someone getting up and making coffee anyway. It’s “Can we try that again?” It’s the decision not to let yesterday dictate the tone of today. Sometimes it’s just the absence of leaving.

We don’t talk enough about that kind of faithfulness. The kind that stays in the room after the words are said. The kind that doesn’t storm out to prove a point. The kind that learns, slowly, that love is not the absence of conflict. It’s what you do inside it.

If I could go back to year-five me, I don’t think I’d give advice. Advice is too clean for what this actually is.

I’d probably just say: You’re going to want to win some things that will cost you more than they’re worth.

Because in the long haul of marriage, you don’t just remember the fights you had.

You remember the fights you almost let define you.

The Day It All Got Real

March 19, 2026 / / 1 Comment

There are moments in life that don’t ask for your attention. They take it.

Last week was one of those moments.

Everything slowed down and sped up at the exact same time. The kind of moment where the noise of life fades, but the weight of it presses harder than ever. Sitting in a hospital, staring at monitors, listening to words you never want to hear. It does something to you. It strips everything down.

And what’s left… is clarity.

Not the kind you chase in a podcast or a productivity hack. The kind you don’t want, but can’t ignore.

It became painfully obvious how much of life I spend holding onto things that don’t actually matter. Not bad things. Just… lesser things. Things that feel important until they’re standing next to something that actually is.

Because in those moments, you don’t think about what you own.
You don’t think about what you’ve built.
You don’t think about your plans, your goals, or even your next move.

You think about people.

You think about the ones you love.
The conversations you had.
The ones you didn’t.
The time you assumed you had left.

And for a second, maybe longer, you realize how upside down it all is.

We’ve built lives around accumulation. More success. More security. More comfort. More control. And none of those things are wrong… until they quietly take first place.

Because when life gets heavy, and I mean really heavy, those things don’t hold you up.

They don’t sit next to you in a hospital room.
They don’t speak peace into fear.
They don’t remind you what actually matters.

People do.

Love does.

Presence does.

And maybe the hardest truth in all of this is how often it takes a moment like that to wake us up. Not a gentle nudge. Not a sermon. Not a quote we scroll past.

It takes the floor dropping out.

It takes the realization that everything you have can be gone. And one day it will be. Not to create fear, but to tell the truth we spend most of our lives avoiding.

We are not as in control as we think we are.

And the things we’ve placed at the center of our lives? A lot of them won’t be there when it actually counts.

So what do you do with that?

You don’t wait for the next scare.
You don’t wait for the next moment that forces clarity on you.
You choose it now.
You reorder things now.

You put people first on purpose.
You say what needs to be said – now because later might not be here.
You show up when it’s inconvenient – now because you can’t take tomorrow for granted any longer.
You hold a little less tightly to the things that won’t last, and a little more intentionally to the things that will.
You reorder everything just to be a little more present.

Because life is heavy sometimes.

And it has a way of reminding you without asking that you don’t get to keep everything.

But you do get to choose what matters while you have it.

Don’t waste that.

When Ministry and Family Collide in the Best Way

February 20, 2026 / / 1 Comment

A little over a year ago, I hired a young woman to join our church family and help lead our kids and students in the way of Jesus. At the time, it was about calling, gifts, and mission. We were excited about what God might do through her leadership with our families.

What I didn’t know was that God was quietly writing another story at the same time.

Over the months, she and my son started spending time around the same ministry spaces. Financial Peace University. Spiritual First Aid. Church events. Conversations after things wrapped up. The kind of ordinary moments where you slowly start to realize someone matters to you more than you expected.

They encouraged each other. They laughed together. They shared life in the natural rhythm of church and ministry.

And eventually… they started to like each other.

In fact, there was a moment when they sat down with me and said something along the lines of, “We don’t think we should like each other… but we can’t seem to help it.”

As a pastor and a dad, that’s a unique conversation. It’s one that seminary can never prepare you to have!

But sometimes the best things in life are the ones God gently grows when nobody is trying to force anything.

What started as friendship slowly turned into something deeper. And last night, it became something official.

My son asked her to marry him.

He took her back to the place where they had their first date. The whole evening involved a bit of strategy on his part. The rest of us were part of the distraction so she wouldn’t suspect what was coming. Watching it all unfold was one of those moments you wish you could slow down and hold onto for a while.

And when the moment finally came… she said yes.

As a dad, there are moments that fill you with a quiet kind of pride. Not pride in accomplishments or achievements, but pride in the kind of people your kids are becoming.

Watching my son step forward with courage and commitment meant a lot to me.

And watching the woman he chose, the same woman who has been faithfully investing in our church’s kids and families, made it even more meaningful.

Sometimes God writes stories that none of us could have planned.

A year ago, I was welcoming a staff member into our church family.

Last night, we celebrated welcoming her into our actual family.

Life has a funny way of doing that.

To both of you: we are proud of you, we love you, and we can’t wait to see the life God builds through your marriage.

Congratulations Matthew and Molly! The best chapters are still ahead.

The Shift That No One Warns You About

June 26, 2025 / / 0 Comments

We spend years in the trenches of parenting between car seats and curfews, timeouts and tantrums, grades and guidance. For two decades (give or take), we pour everything we have into shaping, steering, and correcting. We raise them to grow up, to think for themselves, to stand on their own two feet. But here’s the reality: when they start doing exactly that, it can break your heart a little.

Because no one tells you what to do after the parenting stage shifts.

There’s a line no one draws for you, no neon sign that says: “Congratulations! You’ve officially moved from being the parent to a parent.” It’s subtle, but seismic. And if we’re not careful, we can sabotage the very adulthood we spent years cultivating.

Here’s the real challenge – distinguishing between parenting and being a parent.

Parenting is directional. Being a parent is relational.

When they’re young, your job is to correct, direct, and protect. You say no a thousand times just to keep them safe. You enforce rules because you love them more than their temporary happiness. You carry the weight of their future in your daily decisions.

But that job changes. And if we don’t let it change, we risk doing damage in the name of love.

When your child is 25 and you’re still trying to parent them like they’re 15, you’re not helping anymore. You’re controlling. You’re inserting yourself where you were never meant to stay.

That doesn’t mean you stop being a parent. It just means your role changes.

We move from “command” to “counsel.” From “authority” to “ally.”

And if we’re being real, this transition is terrifying. Because your adult child is going to make choices you wouldn’t. They’ll vote differently. Discipline differently. Date or marry someone you’re unsure about. They might even walk away from the faith you modeled.

And in that moment, you’ll feel the urge to step back into the parenting driver’s seat again. To say, “Not under my roof!” But it’s not your roof anymore. They have their own roof and if you want to be invited in, you’d better learn how to knock.

This is the fine line so many parents struggle with: how do you go from rule-enforcer to relationship-builder? How do you become a trusted voice without being a controlling presence?

Your relationship with your adult kids will never be stronger than your ability to respect their autonomy.

They don’t need your approval anymore. They need your availability. They need to know they can come to you, not that you’ll chase them down with unsolicited advice. They need space to fail, to fall, to figure it out, and to know you’ll be there, arms open, not arms crossed.

This doesn’t mean you never speak truth. But it means you speak it less like a judge and more like a friend. You earned the right to parent them. Now you must earn the right to influence them as adults.

Jesus modeled this kind of relationship. He told His disciples the truth, but He also called them friends (John 15:15). He empowered them. Released them. Trusted them. And He walked with them even when they didn’t get it all right.

Let’s raise our kids to be adults. Then let’s actually let them be adults.

You’ll grieve the old days, and that’s okay. But don’t miss the beauty of what’s ahead. You’re no longer raising them but you can still walk beside them. Encourage them. Celebrate them. Learn from them.

Because while parenting ends, being a parent never does. It just grows up with them.

Top 3 Things Every Parent Should Know About Raising Teens in Today’s World

February 25, 2025 / / 0 Comments

Ok. Let’s be honest: raising teenagers today feels like trying to read a book that keeps rewriting itself. Just when you think you understand the rules, bam! – there’s a new social media platform, slang that sounds like another language, or a trend that makes you question reality (Tide Pods, really?). Parenting teens has never been easy, but in a world that moves at the speed of a Formula One Race, it can feel overwhelming. The good news? You don’t need to be perfect. You just need to be present, prayerful, and prepared. Here are three essential truths every parent should know about raising teens today.

1. They’re Listening… Even When It Seems Like They Aren’t

Yes, they roll their eyes. Yes, they respond with one-word answers (“Fine.” “Whatever.”). And yes, they often have earbuds in like it’s their default setting. But here’s the deal: your voice matters more than you think. Studies consistently show that parents remain the most influential voices in a teenager’s life, even when culture suggests otherwise.

So, talk to them. And not just about chores or grades. Talk about real stuff: faith, friendships, struggles, dreams, and yes, even those awkward topics you’d rather avoid. They may act disinterested, but your consistency speaks volumes. Keep showing up in the conversations. Plant seeds. They’re listening more than they let on.

Pro tip: Sometimes the best talks happen when you’re not looking at each other: driving in the car, taking a walk, or doing dishes together. No pressure, just presence.

2. They Need Boundaries (Even If They Fight Them)

Teenagers crave freedom, but they also need fences. Think of boundaries like guardrails on a winding mountain road: they may complain about them, but they help prevent a dangerous fall. Setting clear expectations around things like technology use, curfews, and responsibilities isn’t being controlling—it’s being a parent! It’s actually loving to have some clear expectations and boundaries.

Yes, you’ll face pushback. There may be dramatic sighs, door slams, or the classic, “You just don’t understand!” (insert whining voice here) That’s okay. Stay calm. Be firm but fair. Boundaries aren’t about punishment; they’re about guidance. Teens feel more secure when they know where the lines are, even if they love to continually test them.

And remember: it’s okay to say no. No is a complete sentence. You’re not your teen’s best friend; you’re their parent. Friendship may come later, but for now, they need you to lead with love and clarity.

3. They’re Wrestling with Big Questions (And Need a Safe Place to Ask Them)

Adolescence is a season of searching. Teens are figuring out who they are, what they believe, and where they fit in the world. That means they’ll have questions—sometimes big, unsettling ones about faith, identity, and purpose.

The worst thing you can do? Shut down those questions or panic. Telling them what they can or can’t believe or how they have to react won’t be helpful! Instead, create space for honest conversations. If they ask something that stumps you (“Why does God allow suffering?” or “How could you vote for ______”) it’s okay to say, “That’s a great question. Let’s explore that together.” You don’t need all the answers. What your teen needs is your willingness to journey with them.

Look – matters of life and faith aren’t just taught—they’re caught. When your teen sees you wrestling with questions, seeking God, and living authentically, it makes an impression. Don’t underestimate the power of your example.

Bonus tip: Encourage your teen to get involved in groups with grown up humans they can trust. Sometimes they need another trusted adult to echo the truths you’re teaching at home.

Parenting teens in today’s world isn’t for the faint of heart. It’s messy, unpredictable, and often challenging. But it’s also filled with incredible opportunities to guide, love, and shape your child as they navigate the journey to adulthood.

Remember: you’re not alone. If you’re a Jesus follower or a church goer, I’ll remind you that God is with you. If you’re part of our community of faith, your church family at Living Word Galena is here to support you. Stay patient, stay prayerful, and never underestimate the impact of your presence. Your teenager doesn’t need a perfect parent—they need you.

These Feet

July 8, 2023 / / 0 Comments

I was there the day these feet were brought into this crazy world.

I was there the day these feet came home that snowy winter day.

I was there to wash those tiny feet and there to watch them grow.

I was there to show those tiny feet how to walk and run and play.

I was there to run beside these feet when they pedaled around the block.

I was there the day these feet stood strong as you confirmed your faith.

I was there to show these feet to march across the football field.

I was there to show these feet just how to drive.

I was there to send these feet away as this new life began.

I was there when those feet walked out a soldier that warm December day.

I was there when these feet bore the body of a man.

Today these feet left home for a long, extended time.

These feet now walk with strength and purpose that many won’t understand.

These feet are part of a brotherhood – past, present and beyond.

These feet now carry the weight of more than extra gear.

These feet, they hold the burden of a nation that has all but forgotten.

These feet still march with purpose. I see nothing changing that.

Now soon these feet will be darkened by the scorching desert sun.

These feet will walk in dirt and sand, be covered in sweat and grime.

These feet will hurt from hours of heat and unrelenting demand.

These feet belong to a boy who once called me his hero.

Now these feet belong to man I call the same.

These feet will guide you here and there but one more task remains.

There’s just one thing that I demand from these feet today. Bring back my boy when his tour is done that’s all that I can ask.

I’ll be there waiting for the day when these feet exit that car.

I’ll be there to hold the man whose feet that these are.

Parenting By Proxy

June 26, 2023 / / 0 Comments

How much time do we spend with our kiddos a day? How much time do you intentionally set aside to be home with them through a week? How about a year? What about through their growing up years? Who gets the most amount of time with our children in their day to day lives?

I would venture to say that if we’re being honest with ourselves many of us would answer that we don’t spend enough time with them and that someone else spends more time with them. Whether that’s a babysitter, teacher, school system, church – who knows pretty much anyone.

Now who’s responsible for making sure our children are raised properly? You know to be people of humility, integrity, faith, respect, kindness, generous, and all those cool attributes. I sure hope that you said that you as the parent are responsible for making sure that your child is raised properly!

Unfortunately there are far too many parents in the world today who are parenting by proxy. They’re letting someone else raise their kids. From assuming the schools are teaching everything they need to know to just letting the church teach them about faith matters to letting screens occupy them while we’re busy doing other things to letting the coach teach them about obedience – we have a tendency to pawn our parenting responsibilities off on someone else.

Now before those of you in two working household families get all bent here, I’m not saying that you have to homeschool your children. Not against it by any means but definitely not for everyone. I’m not saying you can’t have a job outside the home or both of you work. As a matter of fact there is something powerful that a child learns when they see mom and dad working and still engaged in their lives.

But I am saying that parenting is your responsibility not someone else’s! Here’s a quick example of what I’m trying to convey. I recently had a conversation with a group of people from a church. We were talking about the role of the pastor in the lives of the children in the church family. I want to be very clear. I am not a proxy parent for anyone’s kiddos. I’ve done enough damage as a less than perfect parent to my own three children. This church was saying that they want their pastor to be the one who is the primary teacher of faith to the children in the church.

Well, I don’t parent by proxy and I don’t think the pastor should be the faith builder in a child’s life. We’re to teach them but we’re not the one’s who are primarily responsible for the faith development of children. I also don’t think it’s the pastor’s job to do the whole catechism teaching bit for the youth of the church. I think if the pastor does his job rightly, then the parents will be the primary teachers of this to their children. Pastor should most certainly be involved and active and encouraging but the parent should be the primary discipler of the children.

This analogy is true for other areas like math and science and grammar and economics and you name it! The parent cannot shove the kids to someone or something else to teach them. That’s not parenting. All of these other things are assets and tools in the raising of children but they cannot replace what it means to be a loving and true parent.

Look teachers can only teach so much. Pastors can only reach so far. Coaches can be great role models but are limited. You are the parent. You can’t parent your kiddos if you’re never home. You can’t teach them the faith if you don’t open your mouth and teach them. No one is responsible for the development of your children but you. It’s time our culture stopped trying to parent by proxy.

What Do I Do With My Child?

December 13, 2022 / / 0 Comments

So I think as parents we’ve all been there. Our child says or does something and we don’t know how to respond. They say whatever comes to their mind whenever they feel like it. They can’t sit still and are disruptive when we’re in groups of people. There’s a feeling of embarrassment when they just can’t seem to get it together. We wonder things like why won’t my child just sit still?

Well let’s look at the last line there to get started. Why won’t my child just sit still? You want to know the answer? Because they are a child! I know that sounds less than caring and possibly that I’m making fun but I’m not because I’ve been there too. But they are children and they have no idea how to sit still. We haven’t taught them that yet.

And for that massively disrupting behavior you fear your children are making, yeah it’s really not as disrupting as you likely believe. As a matter of fact, most of the distracting noise you hear isn’t really noticed by many others around you in large group settings.

Now I’m a pastor of a church, you know the place where people come and everyone sits as quietly as they can for a duration of time while the pastor talks. Yeah not the most conducive atmosphere for a child, especially your child who can’t sit still – right?! Actually wrong. Really you couldn’t be more wrong on that one. Church is the best place for you to take you child if you feel he is unruly or that she won’t sit quiet or he won’t listen or she can’t stop fidgeting.

Sure there are some of those people who are a bit on the judgmental side who take issue with any noise other than the noise they make. But by and large those gathered as the church have mostly been right where you are. They’ve had the nerves going crazy and the red face moments when their child made too much noise. Give yourself and your child some grace. Church is the place where you are surrounded by parents of all ages who can lend a helping hand if you need it.

Ok so enough commentary. Let’s get to a few tips and tricks learned by hard experience.

Set Expectations

I know that sounds a bit odd especially if you’re talking about a pretty young child or infant but setting expectations is really important. Set your own expectations and theirs! Set the expectation for yourself that you child is a child and will make some noise and that’s ok. For your child, set the expectation of what the situation you’re going into means. To use the church example from earlier, let them know that we’re going to sit and listen when we go in. We’re going to use our inside voice, and use yours when you tell them that.

Sit Close

I know this one runs completely contrary to how we normally think and act but if you sit closer to the front they can see what’s going on. And kids are curious little creatures. If they can’t see, then they’ll likely let you know by making too much noise. Sit in the front third of the room and when you sit down explain what you’re seeing.

Explain Things

Now’s the time to play a little game of I spy with your child. Tell them the colors you see and what might be different than the last time you were there. Point out people you know. What do the symbols mean? Why are they there? What’s about to happen? Who are some of the people around you? Something kind of key here is to introduce them to other people, which means you might have to arrive a little earlier so make sure you plan accordingly.

Keep Them Involved

Even from a young age involve your child in what’s goin on. Things like we’re going to sing a song now to let’s fold our hands to pray are great ways to let them be a part of the worship experience. I remember as a child my parents helping me follow along with the songs as we sang them out of the hymnal. These are all ways to help your child stay connected to the service and be more engaged.

Praise Them For Getting It Right

When the service is over and you are headed to your car, make sure to tell them how great they did. There is even a place for rewarding good behavior after successful trips out like this. Nothing huge or over the top but a stop at the local ice cream shop after 4 straight weeks or watching a new movie with the family or a new coloring book are some options. Pretty much anything that will let your child know that this is the right behavior and it is appreciated.

Grab And Go But Don’t Play

Ok so there will come a time when you have to practice what I call the grab and go technique. This is when the child becomes inconsolable or has a loud outburst that you just can’t get under control quickly. In this case you have to simply grab them and go out. The grab and go is important but what you do when you go out is equally important. It’s the tendency of many parents to go out and let them just play with toys or run around to get the wiggles out, but this sets a bad precedent actually. Your child is smarter than you realize and if when they don’t behave the way you expect they get to go out and play are you sending the right message? They’ll quickly learn that all I have to do to get out of this place is to act like a little terror and I get to go play! When you take them out, stand by the windows that let them see what’s going on. Keep the same expectations of quiet and calm as you did when they were sitting inside. Then when they calm down and the atmosphere allows it, bring them right back in.

I get it. None of this is easy. You’re going to have to work at it pretty hard. But it’s not impossible by any means. Parents across time and space have been doing this and fighting the same battle you’re fighting right now. Stick with it. If you need a hand, ask for some help from those around you who’ve been through this stage of parenting. You’ll be surprised at how much collective wisdom is out there!

Like Talking To A Brick Wall!

September 16, 2022 / / 0 Comments

Parenting is often like herding cats or trying to wrestle a greased pig. NO I’m not calling your child a household, wild or farm animal! But as a parent it’s easy to find yourself beating your head against a wall at times because you’re just not understanding your child’s needs, desires and heart.

I subscribe to several email newsletters and admittedly most of them are junk. But from time to time, I’ll come across a nugget that is worth sharing. Sometimes that nugget is simply forwarded to a friend or colleague, but today that nugget is the foundation of this brick wall message. Your child can be a brick wall at times. But what if I told you that there was a way to understand the way your child hears allowing you to better communicate with him or her?

The newsletter is from a group called Parent Cue. Some of there stuff is really helpful. As a matter of fact, we have a set of books from them on the shelves at the church I serve as pastor. They operate under the assumption that there are stages in a child’s life that they call phases. These phases are based on age and do make some assumptions but largely these hold true across the board.

Here’s a quick breakdown of the phases and a very brief summary on how to communicate in each phase. The goal is to help you stop hitting your head against the wall!

Preschool Phase

This phase is exactly what you’d expect – the time when your child is before or in preschool. The markers of this phase are all things learning. A child in this phase is learning what he or she can do. They’re testing the boundaries of who loves them, what love is and trying to figure out what happiness and sadness mean. Everything is new to them so be a place where they can come for safety. Help them feel loved and let them feel free to show who they are and be emotional. My favorite phrase suck it up buttercup won’t work well in this phase!

Look I get it. In this phase your child will make mountains out of every obstacle. They’ll cry when something doesn’t go their way. But be patient and understanding. Help them see that tears are ok, sadness has its place and frustration is at times appropriate. But help them navigate these feelings with words. Show them how to feel sad, happy, angry, worried with words instead of explosions of emotional hurricanes.

Elementary School Phase

Yep another easy one. Actually, these phases aren’t really rocket science in their naming. And most of us who’ve been parents for a while will see the communication strategies for each phase and think this is silly talk. But when you’re in the midst of a crying tantrum or exploding teenage emotion box you might not have access to reasonable communication. It’s best to have these on standby at all times.

The elementary school phase deals with our children as they navigate the challenges of growing up. They’ve learned a lot already and like little sponges will continue to develop and soak up everything around them for these years. But for these years you’ll need to know that approval and attention mean the world! Now the challenge is who will give them the attention they need.

At first you will be their hero, but quickly in this phase you’ll see that their peers and even their bullies will holder a louder voice in their lives than you do. Your child in this phase will start to compare herself to her friends. He’ll want everything his buddies have. When talking to your child in this phase, use a calm and quieter voice. Be on their level…literally. Don’t stand over them and talk down to them. Instead crouch down to talk to them at their eye level. Another really important part of this phase, that I am not great at by the way, is positive reinforcement. Praise them for getting things right. Remember a lot of what they’re doing is somewhat new to them. The world is a hard place so be the safe haven they need! Be your child’s biggest cheerleader and let them know it!

Middle School Phase

In middle school your child will become a bit of a stranger to you. A friend once said that it’s in the teenage years that it appears as of aliens have taken over our children’s bodies. If you’ve never had a middle schooler, you’re in for a treat! And I don’t mean that as bad as it probably sounds either. Parenting a middle schooler is going to be a challenge but not impossible by any means. It’s a largely rewarding experience actually.

A middle schooler is all about testing boundaries and bucking authority, and since you’ve been the number one authority in their lives until now you’re the one they’re disagreeing with the most. But it’s not just you they are questioning. As a matter of fact they are second guessing everything in their lives, including where and with whom they fit in.

In this phase your child will likely not be as talkative as she once was. He won’t tell you everything that’s going on in life. You might have to coax some thoughts and conversations out of your child in this phase. This is a great phase for mentors to be introduced into your child’s life. Surround them with people who will bring a good, and if you’re a follower of Jesus, godly voice. You want to give them space but also be the safe place for them as well.

High School Phase

By the time your child hits this phase you’re either ready to throw in the towel or throw a party for yourself that you made it, or maybe both depending on the day. Your high schooler will be exerting a ton of independence, and if not they need to be. You don’t want your child to grow into an adult who can’t adult without you around. Cherish all of the moments you have with your child because this phase quickly transitions to the most emotional phase of parenting.

Your child here is looking for purpose, direction and trying to answer the age old question what am I going to do with the rest of my life. Don’t add pressure in this one. Don’t make your child be the high school star you weren’t or follow in your all American jock footsteps. Your child is not a younger version of you. They are their own person. A young man or woman who will become something potentially far different than you. And that’s perfectly fine!

A huge shift has happened in your parenting from the preschool days to now. They once needed someone to trust, and while that’s still true, the most important thing for them at this phase is that you trust them. Show them that you trust them. They need to know that you’re listening and that in spite of their dumb choices and at times inappropriate actions you still love them.

You will want to remind your child in this phase that while they are soon to transition away from home living they always have a place to call home. This is hugely important. When my wife and I moved to a our new to us home, we decided on a home that had enough space that our children could come back anytime they wanted/needed.

Ok so these are four of the key phases that cover much of the life you’ll experience as a parent. As your child is now back in school and navigating the struggles of friends, teachers, classes, homework, college prep, potty training, throwing sand in the sandbox or being bullied in the halls – your child needs your unconditional love, endless support, and verbal accolades. You only get one shot at this. Don’t miss even one opportunity to love on your child. They fly the nest before you even realize it.

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